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<title>The Problem With Professor Binns by Alcanis (Laerthel)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28434030">The Problem With Professor Binns</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laerthel/pseuds/Alcanis'>Alcanis (Laerthel)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Hogwarts, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:21:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,047</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28434030</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laerthel/pseuds/Alcanis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus, Sirius, and a quite unorthodox History of Magic lesson.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Remus Lupin &amp; Sirius Black</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Problem With Professor Binns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Just a random one-shot. The boys are not Animagi yet, hence the missing nicknames. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>1975</strong>
</p><p>The lessons of Professor Cuthbert Binns have acquired legendary status long before Remus Lupin’s time already, mostly due to their revoltingly boring nature. Remus often heard his Muggleborn schoolmates complaining about the lack of Hogwarts’s tolerance towards technology – and true enough, it had occurred to him as well, that were he to capture the professor’s monotone drawl on a tape, it might help him with full moons.</p><p>What he needed right now, however, was not a means of relaxation but a full account on the Salem Trials. It was not like <em>anyone</em> would take notes for him.</p><p>Remus’s fourth year at Hogwarts was coming to an end, and his friends had stopped coming to History of Magic lectures altogether. He could not fault them for it, really – since they were paired up with Hufflepuff for the class, the danger of Snape telling them on was gratuitously eliminated. And by Merlin’s name, it <em>was</em> hard to stay awake.</p><p>The cheerful May sun winked through the window above the boy’s head, painting golden stripes on his desk. Professor Binns had not even entered the room and half of his classmates were already asleep. All in all, everything seemed perfectly normal – at least, until the moment Sirius Black strode into the classroom. His bag was half open, and (to Remus’s utter amazement) there was a clean piece of parchment and a quill hanging out of it.</p><p>“Siri…?” He called, half-expecting his friend to disappear on the spot, the way surreal dreams so often do. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Moons!” Sirius stared at him, half-shocked, half-exasperated. <em>“What in Merlin’s left testicle are you doing outside the Healing Ward?!”</em></p><p>“Don’t call me Moons,” said Remus, frowning.</p><p>“C’mon. We all know it just means I annoy you to the Moon and back.”</p><p>“That you do!”</p><p>“Seriously, though,” Sirius said, wriggling his eyebrows in a way that made Remus cringe and want to hug him at the same time, “c’mon. <em>Shoo.</em> You’ve had enough shit going on this week.”</p><p>“Can’t,” said Remus mournfully. “Someone’s got to have our backs, you know. But wait…” He glanced at his friend with a newfound thoughtfulness. <em>“Are you actually here to take my notes?!”</em></p><p>Sirius gave him his best arrogant glare. <em>“Me?</em> Never! Just here to doze off. Had trouble sleeping with Pete snoring down my neck. And Binns talks just soooo….<em> slooowlyyyy</em>… it works like a charm.”</p><p>“You’re <em>definitely</em> here to take my notes,” Remus decided. “How thoughtful of you.”</p><p>“G’night, Moons,” said his friend sharply, and next thing Remus knew, he was leaning over the tabletop, eyes closed. He <em>did</em> seem terribly tired, which was… odd. After all, he wasn’t the one who had spent the whole weekend running around as a wolf and/or vomiting, was he?</p><p>“Siri…” Remus started, but his voice faltered as Professor Binns entered the classroom.</p><p>This, in fact, would not have been considered a remarkable occurrence, had he entered the classroom through the front door as was his habit. Professor Binns, however, had floated in through the blackboard as a transparent, mother-of-pearl vision of himself, said vision still wearing his outdated vest and tartan pantaloons.</p><p>“Good morning, class,” the ghost mumbled into the dead silence that settled in the room. “Let us start with the attendance sheet… <em>Abbott!”</em></p><p>And so it went. The students raised their hands one by one, too shocked to cry out or even speak. Something urged Remus to wave at <em>“Black”, </em>then <em>“Lupin”,</em> then <em>“Pettigrew”,</em> then <em>“Potter” </em>the way he always would – as usual, Binns did not bat an eye if he ticked the wrong student off his list. Sirius, on the other hand, remained stubbornly “asleep”, raising his head only when Remus started kicking him.</p><p>“Siri… Siri… <em>SIRI!”</em></p><p>His last hiss was so loud that a few heads turned toward them for a moment; the rest, however, continued to stare at Binns in horror.</p><p>“What the hell, mate…?” Sirius groaned. “I was actually getting…”</p><p>He stared at the ghost, too, and his face blanched.</p><p><em>“…tired,”</em> he finished in an uncharacteristically thin voice.</p><p>Professor Binns continued as if nothing had happened, unused as he was to the privilege of absolute attention. He jumped into a dry and date-loaded account of the events leading to the first Salem Trial, and there was nothing out of ordinary about his behaviour (except that he was a <em>ghost,</em> and you could see through him like one would see through a fine silk curtain).</p><p>No one dared to break the silence, as if everyone had stopped breathing at once. Remus almost jumped when he felt a classmate’s hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Does this mean that he’s <em>dead </em>now…?” Lily Evans whispered, her voice a mixture of curiosity and dread.</p><p><em>“Yup,”</em> said Sirius.</p><p>“I think so,” Remus whispered back.</p><p>
  <em>“…do you think he knows that he’s dead…?”</em>
</p><p>Remus considered this. “Well, he’s <em>got to</em> know, isn’t he…? I mean, I would probably notice if I died.”</p><p>Lily shifted in her seat. “But what if he doesn’t know?”</p><p>“Well…”</p><p>“Shouldn’t we tell him, or something?”</p><p>“Evans,” said Sirius in an eerie voice, “you can’t just go and tell someone they’re dead.”</p><p>
  <em>“But what if he doesn’t know?!”</em>
</p><p>Sirius scratched his nose. “He must find out eventually. Like, next time he tries to take a piss.”</p><p>
  <em>“Not funny!”</em>
</p><p>“No, I’m actually being quite se…”</p><p><em>“There is a time and a place</em>, <em>Siri,”</em> said Remus sharply.</p><p>“Honestly, you boys are being so <em>insensitive!”</em> Lily snapped. “He <em>died!</em> And he’s probably in shock… maybe he already knows he’s dead, but refuses to admit it. Instead, he just goes on with his routine, pretending that everything is fine. He must be persuaded that if he pretends hard enough, then things <em>will, </em>in fact, turn out fine!”</p><p>“Ai, the revelation!” Sirius breathed. “I’ve been <em>in shock</em> for years.”</p><p>“Maybe we should get him to Madam Pomfrey,” said Remus solemnly. “Or the Headmaster. Yeah, I’m sure the Headmaster will know what to do. Lily… you stay here after class and talk to him, okay? We’ll get Dumbledore.”</p><p>“And how do we do that?!” Sirius groaned. “He won’t even believe us!”</p><p>“We’ll show him,” Remus decided. “C’mon, don’t be an ass!”</p><p>“Whatever,” said Sirius.</p><p>By this time, most students had ceased to stare wide-eyed at the ghost and resumed their homework-writing. (<em>They might be in shock, too,</em> Remus decided). He closed his eyes for a moment, calmed his breathing and unrolled a clean piece of parchment.</p><p>“Moons, what are you even <em>doing?!”</em> Sirius gasped.</p><p>“Taking notes. And for the last time, don’t call me Moons.”</p><p>“How can you be just <em>taking notes?!</em>”</p><p>“Well, someone’s got to push you through your exams, Mister Too-Cool-For-This-World,” said Remus across his teeth.</p><p>“Well I can’t go on taking my notes in peace while he’s all… dead!”</p><p>“He’s going to be dead for the rest of his life, Siri.” Remus frowned. “I mean, existence.”</p><p>They both listened to Binns’s voice as it drawled on for two excruciating minutes.</p><p>“D’you think we’re going to be like that one day…?” Sirius whispered.</p><p>“Tartan pantaloons? Merlin, I hope not.”</p><p>“No, I mean <em>like that</em>. So swallowed by our miserable little lives that we won’t even realize when it’s all over.”</p><p>“Oh, <em>don’t</em> go all Lord Byron on me.”</p><p>“Well it’s frightening. I mean, it sure as hell doesn’t frighten <em>me,</em> but from an objective point of view…”</p><p>“I think it’s just sad,” said Remus softly, but Sirius did not seem to hear it.</p><p>
  <em>“…and what do we tell Dumbledore, anyway…?”</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Remus had no answer for that question, not even by the time they arrived in front of the Headmaster’s office and the gargoyle that guarded it. The statue categorically refused to let them in without a password; the two boys were already on the verge of giving up and calling off their entire plan when they heard Professor McGonagall’s call behind their back.</p><p>“Black! Lupin! What are you two doing here?”</p><p>Remus swallowed. “We were just…”</p><p>“We’re here to see the Headmaster,” said Sirius. “Like, <em>right now.”</em></p><p>“A staff meeting is being held at the office,” said McGonagall solemnly. “Please come back in an hour. I will tell Professor Dumbledore that you wanted to see him.”</p><p>“It is <em>important,”</em> said Remus desperately. “Please, Professor, I…”</p><p><em>“IMPORTANT!”</em> The gargoyle broke in with a raspy laugh. <em>“OI, THE ARROGANCE! SURELY, IT MUST BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR TEACHERS’ MEETING!”</em></p><p>“All right, you daft goose!” Sirius snapped. “We’ll just go and dig up old Binns in the backyard then!”</p><p>Professor McGonagall almost dropped the stack of essays she was holding.</p><p>“Mr Black, what is the meaning of this?!”</p><p>“He is <em>dead!”</em> Said Sirius, almost shouting.</p><p>“…and his ghost came to do the lecture today…”</p><p>“…the old man <em>floated through the blackboard</em> like it was the most natural thing in the world…”</p><p>“…he carried on with his lesson as if nothing happened…”</p><p>“…Evans thinks he doesn’t even know that he’s dead, so we figured that we should tell him but we don’t quite know how, so…”</p><p>“…so we thought that if anyone, then Professor Dumbledore knew…”</p><p>“…so yeah, Professor,” said Sirius, throwing his hair out of his eyes, “we hate to interrupt, but can you just, you know, <em>work with us</em> here?”</p><p>Professor McGonagall took a deep breath.</p><p>“Yes – <em>yes,</em> thank you boys. I shall inform Professor Dumbledore at once. Please escort Miss Evans back to the Gryffindor tower. I will be with you shortly.” She pursed her lips. “Oh, and Mr Lupin, please take these and distribute them to your classmates. This is not quite the moment… but I must congratulate you on your essay. It was very thorough.”</p><p>With that, she handed the stack of parchments over to Remus before he could say <em>thank you</em>.</p><p>“So that’s it?” Sirius cut in. “We go back to our Common Room, pretending that everything’s fine?”</p><p>“What else is there to do, Mr Black?” Professor McGonagall’s voice was calm as a mountain lake.</p><p>“Well, I don’t know, but I’m not feeling okay!<em> How can someone not notice they died?!”</em></p><p>“As I said<em>, </em>I shall be with you shortly.”</p><p>“C’mon, Siri,” said Remus. “Let’s go.”</p><p>He grabbed his friend by the shoulder and started walking – neither of them dared stick around long enough to hear McGonagall say the password for the Headmaster’s office.</p><p>“This school is bloody nuts,” Sirius declared. “I mean, I love it, but it’s just a <em>mess</em> sometimes. My Uncle Alph went to Durmstrang, y’know, and not even he has stories like this.”</p><p>“Wasn’t it the same uncle of yours who had served over a hundred detentions here?” Remus asked gently.</p><p>“He quit after his OWL-s, alright. Said Hogwarts education didn’t offer enough Dark Magic.” Sirius snorted. “Truth is, he went to Durmstrang because he was fed up with my mother.” He frowned. “I’d have already done the same if it weren’t for your stupid ass and James’s. Might still do it, actually, if you keep swooning at me like that…”</p><p>Remus’s smile did not falter. “I don’t remember writing that essay, you know,” he said cautiously.</p><p>“You smoke too much pot.”</p><p>“You guys <em>really</em> don’t need to do that for me. I catch up every time, eventually.”</p><p>“Right… so tell me how you were going to catch up with seven essays overnight again?”</p><p><em>“Seven?! </em>You made that up!”</p><p>Sirius rolled his eyes.</p><p>“You were out for a week. That means one essay for Transfiguration, one for Potions, two for Charms, one for Arithmancy (seven feet, the bloody thing!), one for Defence and one because Sprout gave you that detention.”</p><p>Remus blanched. “Oh, <em>damn.”</em></p><p>“Yeah, so we took care of those for now, but next time just tell us not to bother with your p<em>olytextual analytics </em>and we’ll just slack off to Hogsmeade like intellectuals.” Sirius raised an eyebrow. “We’re in Fourth Year now, moonshine, and the profs are all getting the Doxy up their asses over OWL-s. Sweet Merlin, I don’t get it. We still have a year to go, so why bother?”</p><p>“Yeah, well, they’re <em>teachers,”</em> said Remus emphatically.</p><p>“Uh-huh,” Sirius quipped without any visible conviction. “C’mon, let’s find Evans. We’ll tell her something <em>sick.</em> Like, that it was McGonagall who murdered Binns, or something.”</p><p>“Hey – Siri?” Remus glanced at his feet. “Thank you.”</p><p>
  <em>“C’mon, I said!”</em>
</p>
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